From childhood she has caught her inner fears about sex. After wedding she is now transferring this problem to her husband. Rachael is her name.
Elizabeth is another wife. A mother of three, an active leader of the women fellowship in her church. She displays a lot of ascetic ideas that leave her engineer husband so confused and frustrated sexwise.
Beatrice, a staff-nurse, represents the generality of wives who had their problems during the honeymoon week and what happened then have conditioned her till today. Ten years after wedding.
Sex is good and beautiful as the lily in the valley. Many do not taste of the joy of sexual union in marriage. A very few females, married, are really sipping the glamour and sweetness in sex after they are married. Thousands are enduring sex. Really.
Just as husbands have dysfunction so do wives. The last thing a fellowship of Christian husbands and wives would discuss is sex. And this negative attitude will not help but hinder the desired harmony among born-again believers in the body of Christ. The sermon that would never be heard from the pulpit is the joy of sexual union in marriage. But god has written few lines in the bible. God has created sexual desire in the bodies of males and females. God has planted sexual pleasure in the bodies of wives
-to be tapped, enjoyed from time to time.
God had shaped the body of an average wife to elicit and radiate sexual enjoyment to her husband. In fact, all females, even in the lower beings to her husband. Infact, all females, even in the lower beings, are sexual symbols.
How many wives have problems of sex after marriage? dozens. Very many. Either strongly or mildly manifesting.
Sexual dysfunction in the female
Because we are all human, problems are bound to surface in personal and interpersonal relationship. Sexual problems in the wives can go under three
major or two
The three major ones are
The two minor areas are
- Ascetic attitude
- Inferiority complex
This is a term always wrongly used – but widely accepted to mean a simple dysfunction in the area of sex as far as a female partner is concerned.
We say a woman is "frigid when the partner is not deriving the total satisfaction from her sexual intimacy.
What is frigidity
anyway? It refers to the situation when a woman is devoid of sexual
intercourse. It could also mean when
She may rate herself as undersexed an rigid. Or her husband may label her – frigid. One thing is cleared, if a woman responds to the sexual feelings and does not show it, that doesn't mean she is frigid. She only has orgasm dysfunction since the enjoyed the sexual intercourse, and her husband enjoyed the relation, but she only fails to verbalize her feelings or reach climax during that specific situation or at all times.
Causes of orgasmic Non-responsiveness in females. Definitely they are many.
- The cultural expectation
Our culture has erased every atom of sexual pleasure from the minds of females. The cultural has dealt a big blow on their acceptance of sex as a gift from their creator. The culture prefers that women should see sex as a duty rather than a pleasure. The culture wants wives
- to think less about sex
- be less interested in it
- see it as immoral and unclean
- to see sex as too holy to entertain themselves in it.
- to talk less even on discussion about sex in the open groups or fellowship.
- to talk less even in the closet of their rooms
- to even destroy books that describe too much detail about sex.
- to instruct girls, their daughters to run from all the appearance of sex, "an evil things"
- The Religious Feeling
Religious people worship God and are expected to follow His laws in the Book. The same religious people write down their bye-laws and biases. They teach both the laws of God and their biases. The balance is not taught the people.
The consequence is frustration about sex in marriage.
Imagine the unchristian and ascetic ideas of some wives:
* I can't have sex with my husband on Sundays. That day is too holy for that sort of thing.
* I must have sex a day before Holy Communion or the day after. Never on the night I receive it. I may become unclean.
* I must fast off the "uncleanliness" after sleeping with my husband. I must wash after having sex.
Causes of non –responsiveness are:
- Bad feelings unresponsiveness could be due to teaching that sex is immoral and unclean.
- When a woman considers sex frightening.
- When a wife sees see sex as an imposition or a duty to be performed reluctantly.
- When a wife has some underlying sexual conflicts within herself.
- Some wife do not accept themselves as sex-partners, in other words they denies their sexuality and it is in their subconscious minds.
- Some wives are plainly ignorant about what sex should be in marriage.
- Continuous fear of pain, which begun during the honeymoon, still lingers on years after the wedding night.
- When a wife is sick, she will not respond in case the husband insists on having sex with her.
- Fatigue. Full – time home makers may be more tired than working wives.
- May be a wife is still being affected by the rugs used during a recent hospitalization.
- Sexual trauma, for example rape during childhood or teenage experience.
- Experience of incest, sexual relation with her father in her youth or a brother or her relation.
The husbands as a cause
When a husband is involved as the cause of her dysfunction, the problems get compounded
And for the many of wives in polygamous families these do not bother with orgasmic satisfaction. They are contented with sex, pregnancy and child bearing.
Some of the causes due to bad husband relationship are:
- When a wife cannot feel identified with the man as a husband, may be she is forced to live with him because of no alternative.
- When a wife does not husband her man as a husband. In this culture, some very young ladies are sent to their husbands who are working in another city because they've reached a marriageable age. The girl may experience a total rejection of the man after sometimes.
- A man may fail to meet the expectations of the young wife- so she rejects him and responds poorly during sex.
- Criticism from her husband when she fail to perform according to his demands from her.
- Quite a number of men approach sex mechanically and hurriedly. This will result inadequate stimulation of the vulva area before or during intercourse
- A husband may have an attitude that does put off the woman in bed. Think of some irritating mannerisms.
- Another husband, may be ignorant of some things he always says which cause discomfort or disgust to her. Ultimately she will have a cold response during sex.
- When a brother insists on or compels his wife about a sexual technique or posture she does not like. Which seems to her "animal like", according to married woman description recently.
- A husband who demands for sex after a big quarrel with his wife. He's just mechanically having sex with her and that is wickedness.
- Many husbands have habitual direct approach to intercourse without any accompany or proceeding expression of love affection.
Extract from the book title "101 Tips for Loving and Cherishing Your Spouse"